Isa+&+Huy's+Domain

Welcome to Page of Isa Abdul-Wali and Huy Pham -



November 3, 2009 Dear Isa, You have a writing prompt you must complete. You can find it at the Home Page of the Joshua-Sig wiki. You are lucky you get to write about yourself and your school. Here, at Signature, I have to write about people I've never meet and books I've never read (but don't tell anyone)! But don't get me wrong - I actually love that kind of academic exploration. I am just saying, in these early years, you really get a chance to express yourself and what is around you. As we grow up, we can miss those opportunities in trying to focus on the world around us and we almost forget about ourselves. So take this grand chance to really tell your story of what kind of school you go to and what you do, because this opportunity to express yourself does not come everyday! Good luck :D -Huy Pham- 

November 5, 2009

Dear Isa, I see you have started to make a spider web outline for your writing prompt. It seems that the two topics you have decided are very negative. Maybe you should focus on more of the positive things you like about school. Maybe you don't like school because you think about it negatively. When you attach happy and positive feelings to something, it makes you view in the best way. When you start to think happy thoughts about school, you will enjoy it more and then learn more, which is great. If you can't think of more positive things, that is fine too. Also, you want to avoid using words like "whack" because it is slang term. I tried to use "whack" too, but my teacher graded me down. You don't want to be graded down do you? Since you said "uniforms", the word is plural (more than one) so you have to use "are" instead of "is" - "The uniforms ARE not good" would probably improve this writing prompt much. When you want to say there is an excess of something, the correct word to use is "too." Where you put "to much homework", you really meant to say "too much homework". The rule I like to use to remember that is "Extra stuff means extra O". You are on the right track, so keep working. This is going to be a great little essay! -Huy Pham-

November 12, 2009 - November 15, 2009

Dear Isa, This is great! You have improved so much - I really thought it wasn't you at first! You have very positive and intelligent responses. I bet you are enjoying school better too - it is all about how you think about it. Let me show you an example:

An unhappy mailman says: "My job is boring. I deliver some papers to people to earn my money" The happy mailman says: "I allow communication between people world wide with physical documentation not possible through phone or internet! I connect mothers and sons - businessmen to customers. I make money and a difference - I am a mailman"

I think that you can understand that now too as I see in your essay. You focus on the good intentions of your school rather than the small things you might not like, which is excellent. You should be very proud - this is excellent. Keep up the good work - now for the grammatical and structural grading.

Overview of the Writing Applications Rubric Ideas & Content: (score in your inbox) out of 6. You have excellent ideas and sentences, but to get that whole six, I want to see you clear up your thoughts. You should use paragraphs and commas and such. All your ideas and thoughts are there, but like I said - we can make it more clear and focused!

Language Convention Rubric Score: (score in your inbox) out of 4. You have few grammatical errors so I cannot give you a complete 4 just yet, but I also cannot give you a 3 because you have surpassed that score. Just watch for places where you need commas (think about it as a break in the sentence when you think or say the sentence). You have small mistakes here and there but its not that you don't know the rule but maybe you overlooked or typed too fast. In sentence 2, you should change to "makes us look LIKE smart and intelligent students" (you forgot the LIKE). In sentence 5, you should change to "Joshua has more days of school THAN public SCHOOLS," (you mixed up THEN with THAN, and you forgot SCHOOL) THEN is for talking about what comes next (I ran THEN I walked after). THAN is for comparing (I run more THAN I walk). Also, throughout your essay, you use the word YOU a lot. Remember, this is essay is about You - Isa. It is not about your teacher, or me, or the YOU you are speaking to. I'm sorry if this is confusing but I think you understand. In an essay, you shouldn't YOU (it is called indefinite YOU because you are not speaking to a definite person). Every time you think about using YOU or YOURSELF, change it to I or ME, because you really meant to express how you felt or experience, not who you are reading it to. So an easy tip - change all your YOU's to I.

Writing Applications Overview Rubric Organization: (score in your inbox) of 6. Style: (score in your inbox) of 6. Like I said earlier, your ideas are great. Just organize them for the reader to understand how you think because you want to express yourself clearly! (if you want that 6). I gave you 6 out of 6 for style because I see your voice - your theme - your tone is very consistent. You chose very elegant words and did not switch back to how you talk to your friends in the middle of the essay. When you write, you want to express from who you are - think of writing style as your swagger. And you know as well as I do that to be the best we can be, we have to have a congruent and consistent swagger whether in writing or just talking, because we do not want to be fake or trying to be someone we are not!

You did real good and just ask your teacher if you need help following this critique! Keep it up!

January 28th, 2010

Dear Isa,

I see a great amount of improvement in your writing. You showed me that you can express yourself and that you do offer personal insight to the world. Also, choosing Thanksgiving is a very selfless choice, showing that you enjoy family time as well as helping others. Most other students would pick holidays when presents are given like their birthday or Christmas. Isa, you are developing to a young intelligent and interesting person so keep up your great work ethic and true intentions as a writer and student. Your "My Favorite Holiday" seems incomplete to me right now, so I cannot fully grade you. Here is my opinion: I see you have split your sentences into three mini-paragraphs which is great. I can see the division of the good part of the holiday, the bad part, and what you do during this holiday. You ideas are fairly organized now. All you need to do is expand on these ideas. Tell more about how you help people or how you feel that it is never a sunny day. Do not forget to end with the same idea you started with. For example, if you started with "Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday because of 1, 2, and 3" - you can end like "1, 2, and 3 make Thanksgiving my favorite holiday". Just expand the outline you have right now and you will do great! See you around Isa. Keep it Real.

March 30, 2010

Dear Isa, Good work on the fractions - sorry I didn't choose a better number since 287 is very hard to divide by! Anyway, keep up with the good work and try not to use slang on our profile page. Isa, do you even know what's "stacks on deck means?! Yes, T.I. said that in his song but that doesn't mean you should! The term "stacks on deck" means to have a high amount of money - usually aquired through drug dealing. This is not a good thing Isa and you know this. Remember that rapper's are not the best role models, unless they're old school. Anyway, keep it real.

PUBLISHED WORK

My Fav Holiday

Isa wp2

Isa geomonster

African American Achievers

colorful fractions

Letter To Juan